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> International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
nited States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



No. 316 



A DAKOTA WIDOW 



A Comedy in One Act 



GRACE LIVINGSTON FURNISS 



C'')i^Ki(iHT. U)15, HV !?AML'KL FKKNC'H 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 3Sth STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



A DAKOTA WIDOW 



A Comedy in One Act 



HY 



GRACE LIVINGSTON FURNISS 



CoPYRKiHT, 1915, BY SAMUEL FKENCH 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND 






A DAKOTA WIDOW. 



CHARACTERS. 

Robert Dacre 

Mrs. Robert Dache. .. .His wife — or, " -ividcnv'" 

(vATY T//r/r inaid 

Time: — The present. 

Scene: — Dra:vi}i(/ room in Hieir apartment. 



g)CI.D 426HG 



m -61916 



A DAKOTA WIDO 



ACT I. 



Scene : — Drazving room in. aparinient with en- 
trance from hall r. 3c/ e:^ Entrance from 
dining room etc. rear. Furniture modern and 
handsome. Small table doivn c. ivith desk 
telephone on it, chairs either side. Eight 
bouquets zvith cards on table, desk, or mantel. 

DISCOVERED:—^/ rise, Katy the -maid, enter- 
ing c, her arms full of evening papers. Tele- 
phone rings, she runs to table, drops papers on 
it, sits right, anszuering telephone. 
Katy. Hello! Yes, this is 5250 38th St. No, 
j\Irs. Dacre isn't got back from Dakota yet. I'm 
Katy, her maid. What? Say, who are you, any- 
way ? " The Daily News ? " Oh, a reporter ! 
(Listens) If I'll tell you what she got the divorce 
for you'll give me twenty-five dollars. Well, what 
do you think of that! W^ould I like it? Sure, 
sure! (Listens smiling) That's all right, but I 
don't knov/. Oh, on the level, I don't. I've been 
offered twice that by the other papers, but I 
couldn't tell 'em 'cause I didn't know. Hey? No, 
j\Ir. Dacre don't drink. (Listens) No, I don't be- 
lieve he does — well, it might have been a woman. 
They had an awful row last May — My ! It was 
something fierce. Then she packs off to Dakota, 
he stays here and now all the papers is full of the 
Dacre Divorce. (Listois) No, I ain't kidding 
you. I don't know. She's coming back herself to- 



4 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

morror and if I can get it out of her I'll tell you — - 
(Bells rings) There goes that bell again. Call me 
up later and I'll make a date with you. (Exits. 
Runs out E. Mumur of voices. She re-enters 
carrying a travelling hag and wraps follozved by 
Mrs. Dacre, a young and pretty tvoman) 

Mrs. Dacre. Good gracious ! How close it is ! 
How dusty ! I can't understand why you didn't 
get my wire, Katy. (Removes her hat and gloves) 

Katy. Oh, I did ma'am, but you says, " Expect 
me to-morrow." 

Mrs. Dacre. (Impatiently) W^ell, to-day is to- 
morrow. 

Katy. (Ama.zed) To-day is to-morrow? 

Mrs. Dacre. I wired yesterday from Chicago. 

Katy. Well, what do you think of that ! 

Mrs. Dacre. It is of no consequence. It would 
be a forlorn home-coming, anyway. (Throws her- 
self on sofa) Tell cook to get up a nice little din- 
ner at five. 

Katy. Law\s, ma'am. Cook was married last 
week. 

Mrs. Dacre. Married ! 

Katy. (Giggling) Yes, ma'am. And if you 
please, I'm sure I hope it won't inconvenience you, 
I'm going to get married to-night. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Much dismayed) Leave me all 
alone ! Oh, Katy, this is the last straw. 

Katy. I'm awfully sorry, ma'am. But Jim 
couldn't wait. He has to go down to Montauck to 
see about some cows and a — a friend offered to 
lend him a house, so he said we might as well do 
it all up in the one slop. 

Mrs. Dacre. And you expect me to stay here 
alone ? 

Katy. My sister's coming to-night, ma'am, and 
will stay till I get back. I didn't like to engage a 
new cook and Mr. Dacre, he wouldn't. He said he 
didn't care a damn what happened after he left. 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 5 

]\Irs. Dacre. Very thoughfiil of him, I am sure. 
By the bye, when did Mv. Dacre leave? 

Katy. (Embarrassed) Well, you see, we 
didn't expect you till to-morrow, so the truth is he 
ain't gone yet ? 

AIrs. Dacre.' (Springing tip) Not gone? Call 
a cab! (Putting on her hat) And you let me 
come in ? Call a cab ! Don't you know we are 
divorced ? Call a cab ! I'll go to a hotel. Will you 
call a cab? I'd rather die than meet him here. 

Katy. (Assisting her) Take off your hat, 
ma'am. Master's off yatching till to-morrow, and 
his things is all packed. Laws ! You're all of a 
tremble. I don't believe that Dakota is a healthy 
place. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Sitting by table) The most aw- 
ful hole you ever saw, Katy. And the people, the 
women who were there getting grounds for di- 
vorces ; perfectly inexpressible. 

Katy. And, if I may be so bold, ma'am, what 
was the ground for your divorce? 

]\Irs. Dacre. Dakota. Ground enough, isn't it? 
You'd think so I guess if you'd had to camp out in 
Sioux City for six months to prove that your hus- 
band had deserted you. (Telephone rings. She 
takes it up) 

Katy. Well, what do you think of that ? 

AIrs. Dacre. (To 'phone) Hello! Yes, this 
is 5250 38th St. Who are you? " Alorning Ex- 
press, uptown office." You want " to talk to Mrs. 
Dacre." Impossible. No; she's not home, she's 
gone to er — Japan. I am the cook — er the cook. 
No — no ! You can't come up and see' me. I don't 
know anything about her divorce. (Listens, grow- 
ing more and more disgusted) Indeed, I won't! 
Ring off! Ring off! (Hangs up receiver, rises) 
The wretch wanted to come up and buy one of my 
pictiu'es. 

Katy. They've all been after me. livery paper 



6 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

in town has one. You couldn't be more talked of 
if you'd committed a murder, or stolen a baby. 

]\Irs. Dacre. {Taking up visiting cards) 
" Mrs. Wilbur, Mrs. Peck, Mr. William Winchell " 
— when were these left Katy? 

Katy. (Giving her note and roses) Just now. 
They've went upstairs to Mrs. Van Dusen's recep- 
tion. Shall I telephone up that you've come? 

Mrs. Dacre. {Opening and reading note) No, 
indeed. I'm in no mood to be stared at as if I was 
a wild beast. {Reading) Will I go to Newport 
with a few of " our own j^articulars " Llrs. Peck." 
I despise her. " Henry Crapo " — well — he's only 
stupid. Willie Winchell, a tiresome boy. And 
" Stuart Vane "— " Stuart Vane." 

Katy. There's a boucjuet from Mr. Vane, 
ma'am. He brought it himself. {As Mrs. Dacre 
takes up floivers and reads card, smiling) The 
papers said you was coming to-day, ma'am, so all 
your society friends called and left flowers and it's 
been just like a wedding reception. 

Mrs. Dacre. I can imagine it. All frantic with 
curiosity to know just how it all happened and 
wring the details out of me. 

Katy. They even tried to pump me, ma'am. 
Such questions ! And such guesses — I couldn't 
say nothing of course 'cepting that drink wasn't the 
cause. 

Mrs. Dacre. I could have borne sprees or 
gambling or even a blow, but to believe that he pre- 
ferred this female serpent, this bold flaunting cat 
to me — oh 'twas too much. 

Katy. It ivas a woman, then. Laws. I'd like 
to know what INIr. Dacre wants when you don't fill 
the bill. 

Mrs. Dacre. {Opening her hag) He wanted a 
novelty — a wafe grows monotonous so he took a 
widow. {Takes out letter) 

Katy". I can't think it of him, ma'am. 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 7 

Mrs. Dacre. (Opening letter) You shall hear 
for yourself. You have lived with us all our 
married life — Listen. (Reads) 
" Dear Bob : 

I've seen the Widow and tell you she's the girl 
for me. I thought you an awful fool to throw your 
money away on her, but now that I've seen the 
beauty, am kicking myself to think that you got 
ahead of me. She's a great find, my boy, great. 
But you always did have luck. By the way some 
Richmond fellows are here pretending to hunt, but 
between you and nie it's the widow they're hunting. 
So you'd better run down, don't you think ? 

Yours. 

Dick Stanley." 
(Throivs letter hack in bag) 

Katy. Throwing his money away on a widow? 
Well, what do you think of it. What do you think 
of that? 

Mrs. Dacre. (Going to glass) Do stop saying 
what do you "think of that — Ah, don't mind if I am 
cross. I'm so unhappy. (Looks at herself pen- 
sively) However, that is of no consequence as 
long as Mr. Dacre is happy. 

Katy. Him happy! don't think it, ma'am. Why, 
he went all to pieces when the lawyer come up to 
tell him the divorce was got. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Turning) He did? What did 
he do, Katy? 

Katy. (Embarrassed) Why — ahem! — Well, 
the plain truth is he just went and got the most 
beautiful load on as you ever see. 

Mrs. Dacre. How like a man ! 

Katy. I couldn't blame him, ma'am, his heart 
was broke on him. 

Mrs. Dacre. I am glad of it, exceedingly glad. 
]\Iy life lays in ruins at his feet ; my home is 
wa-ecked, my ideal dead forever. (Tragically) I 



8 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

am like a vine torn from its trellis and floating in 
the wind of destiny. No hope, no support — — 

Katy. No support ! Sure, I thought you got a 
thumping big alimony. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Scornfully) Alimony! (Goes 
itp speaking) Alimony! {Turns in door c.) 
Alimony ! Yes, I get alimony and the widow gets 
all the rest. (Exits) 

Katy. (Running to 'phone) Well, what do 
you think of that ! And the Judge give her three 
hundred a week. (Calling up) Get me the " Daily 
News " quick. (Bob Dacre enters r. e. She 
jumps up in alarm. He zvears yatching suit, seems 
very impatient but not disagreeable) Laws, Mr, 
Dacre. I thought you was out yatching. 

Dacre. There's a big storm brewing so we had 
to put back. It doesn't matter, I'll finish packing 
and cut this to-night. (Flings his cap and mack- 
intosh dozvn) Get me an early dinner — I've de- 
cided to run over to London and shall sleep on 
board ship to-night. 

Katy. What do you think of that? Yesterday 
you was going to Florida. 

Dacre. I changed my mind. I'm a bit off color ; 
can't eat — can't sleep. Oh, by Jove, who brought 
those damned papers in here? 

Katy. Me, sir. I thought you'd like to see 
them, 

Dacre. Oh, I do. I haven't seen so many bad 
pictures of myself since I was captain of the foot- 
ball team. Every man on the L. road had a paper 
and was reading about " The Dacre Divorce." 

Katy, W' hat do you think of that ? 

Dacre. Oh, cut what do you think of that, will 
you? Haven't you any English, or brains or sense 
of your own ? When I come in here a desperate, 
hunted, misrepresented man to stand distracted in 
the ruins of my wrecked home, can't you find any- 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 9 

thing better to say than what do you think of that ? 
What the devil do you 'spose I think? 

Katy. {In tears) Laws sir, I was just trying 
to express my sympathy. 

Dacre. I'll take it in the form of a chop, thank 
you, and some ale. Now, don't tell me that cook is 
married, because I know it. Don't tell me you 
can't cook because I know that. 

Katy. I can cook as well as any woman alive 
sir, but I thought you'd rather have a roast 

Dacre. The newspapers have given me roast 
enough for one day. 

Katy. (Pausing in door) Oh, if you please, 
sir. There's something I — I think I ought to sort 
of break gently to you — something about Mrs. 
Dacre. 

Dacre. Break nothing. Mrs. Dacre is nothing 
to me now. 

Katy. Well, what do you think of that? (Exits 
c.) 

Dacre. (Lighting pipe) That's the beauty of 
an old and faithful servant ; they know all your 
business and if you haven't got any business they 
make some. ('Opening Mrs. Dacre's bag) By 
Jove, the less I hear about Mrs. Dacre the better. 
I'm a free lance now, one of the boys again — I 
wonder what I packed anyhow. I was in such a 
dream of misery I hardly knew what to leave and 
what to take. (Opening Dick Stanley's letter) 
An old letter from Stanley. What the dickens did 
I keep that for? By George, the identical letter 
that broke up my happy home. > Humph! He's 
damn funny about the widow. (Flings letter 
dotvn) Well, Ethel had no business to read my 
note ; having read it she had no right to believe it. 
(Pnts'his hand in bag, draivs out a pink undervest, 
stares at it amazed) What the deuce is this? 
(Takes out curling tongs and pair of French dress- 
ing slippers. Mrs. Dacre appears in door, stands 



10 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

zvatching Jiiin, startled but amused. He takes out 
sachet case, smells it sentimentally) Violet — just 
like Ethel, everything she wore always wafted that 
faint suggestion of violets. Bah ! ( Tosses it dozvn 
angrily, takes out pair of stays, gases at them as- 
tounded) Well, I wish someone would kindly tell 
me whose bag this is and where the dickens I got 
it. 

Mrs. Dacre. {Coming forward) It is mine. 

Dacre. Ethel ! (Hesitates, then speaks hur- 
riedly) Ethel, I've no right to be here, I know, 
but your wire said " to-morrow." 

Mrs. Dacre. Pray, don't apologize. I will go 
to a hotel. (Replacing things in bag) Will you 
kindly call a cab? 

Dacre. Nonsense ! I am the one to leave. I'm 
horribly sorry I rumpled up your bag, but I thought 
it was mine. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Holding up stays) A very nat- 
ural mistake. 

Dacre. (Holding up letter) Not unnatural 
when the first thing I struck was Stanley's letter. 

IVIrs. Dacre. I kept it for evidence. 

Dacre. Let me return it then. 

IMrs. Dacre. Oh, it's not necessary now, thank 
you. But had you entered the slightest objection 
to the divorce I intended to drag that shameless 
woman into court. 

Dacre. (Sarcastically) The widow? 

Mrs. Dacre. The widow. Oh, I can picture 
the style of widow she is. 

Dacre. Don't be too crushing; you're a pretty 
little v.'idow yourself, now. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Taking up 'phone) How manly 
to taunt me with it. (Speaking in 'phone) 1102 
Columbus. • 

Dacre. You'll have to get used to the idea. By 
Jove, it's rather piquant chatting with one's own 
widow. May I smoke? 



A DAKOTA V;n)OW. II 

Mrs. Dacre. Anything yon like. I am going to 
a hotel. (Speaking in 'phone) Is this the New 
York Cab Co. I am Mrs. Dacre, send up a coupe 
at once ; at once. 

Dacre. (Taking 'pJionc froin her hand) Wait 
a bit. (Speaking in 'phone) Plello ! Cab Co. 
Never mind the coupe. Mrs. Dacre has changed 
her mind. (Ri)igs off, lights cigar) 

Mrs. Dacre. I have not changed my mind. It's 
not at all proper for me to be here with you. 

Dacre. (Rising) Oh, I am going. Pardon me 
if I seem to linger. The fact is I never thought 
we'd meet again, so before wq part forever, I'd like 
to hold a little post mortem on our dead happiness. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Nervously) There is no use in 
looking back. We are divorced now. 

Dacre. (Suavely) I am not. I took you for 
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, to have 
and to hold, to love and to cherish until death did 
us part — and by Jove ! a little two-cent Dakota law 
doesn't alter the situation at all to my mind. Once 
a married man always a married man, is my motto. 

Mrs. Dacre. Well, I can assure you that a little 
two-cent wedding ceremony doesn't bind me. I 
am divorced— free — a single woman again. No 
longer half of you, but all myself. (Telephone 
rings, she seises if, listens) Yes. No, Mrs. Dacre 
has not arrived yet. Am I Katy? Er — Oh. yes, 
yes, I am Katy. Was I talking to you half an 
hour ago? Er — yes, yes. Do I know the cause of 
the divorce yet ? 

Dacre. Tell him, her, or it, that that's what no 
fellow can find out. 

Mrs. Dacre. No. I don't know. Oh, certainly 
I'll remember. Good-bye. (Rings off — To 
Dacre) That was a reporter on " The Daily 
News " and Katy has agreed to take twenty-five 
dollars and tell him the reason for our divorce. 

Dacre. I'll give her a hundred if she'll tell me. 



12 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

Mrs. Dacre. Mr. Stanley's revelation about the 
widow would be enough for most people. 

Dacre. I offered to explain, but you wouldn't 
have it — you tried, condemned and executed me un- 
heard. 

Mrs. Dacre. Oh, no, I didn't. You said you 
would explain if I apologized for opening your 
letter. Of course I wouldn't — you were away — 
{With a sarcastic emphasis) on business. I 
thought possibly I would have to wire the contents 
of the letter to you, so I opened it. Any woman 
would have done the same in my place. 

Dacre. A woman has no right to read her hus- 
bands letters. 

Mrs. Dacre. Yes, she has. One heart, one soul, 
one mail. 

Dacre. Nonsense ! You might as well say one 
toothbrush and one pair of shoes. 

Mrs. Dacre. Well, I don't care ; I'd do it again. 

Dacre. Then it's still a dead lock. By Jove ! 
I'd not have believed a woman could be perverse 
and obstinate enough to wreck her home rather 
than apologize to her husband. 

, Mrs. Dacre. (Rising) I haven't any husband 
now. By the bye, since you are here we'd better 
arrange about the furniture. Where shall I send 
it ? It is all yours of course. 

Dacre. Not at all. With all my vv^orldly goods 
I did thee endow. Help yourself. 

Mrs. Dacre. Don't be ridiculous. There must 
be many things here that you would like to keep. 

Dacre. (With meaning) Only one — (Bends 
toivards her tvith sentimental air) and that one 

Katy. (Entering boisterously zvith tray) Here's 
your chops, sir. Laws ! If you ain't made up. Ah, 
I knew it would come right if you only got to- 
gether 

Mrs. Dacre. Leave the room ! 

Dacre. Leave the house ! 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 13 

Katy. What for? 

Dacre. You've been peddling our private 
affairs to the papers. Don't deny it. We got the 
evidence hot off the 'phone from the " Daily 
News." ^ 

Katy. (Seftiug tray on fable) Sure, I was just 
playing tag with that feller. 

Mrs. Dacre. Don't put those chops under my 
nose. Don't you know that I loathe chops ? 

Dacre. Of course she does. What the deuce 
do you mean by serving chops. Is there nothing 
else in the house? 

Katy. (Taking iray, sobbing) There's a c-c- 
chicken. 

Dacre. Cook it then and make some tea and er 
— jelly cake — and eclairs — and er — ice cream and 
angel's food or anything else fit for a lady to eat. 

Katy. Yes, sir. (Exits) 

]\Irs. Dacre. It really doesn't matter, I' am 
going to a hotel. 

Dacre. No, you're not. I'll take myself off, by 
George. It's raining ! Pouring ! 

AIrs. Dacre. So it is. Oh, you must wait until 
it stops — I insist. 

Dacre. Thanks. (Sits) Now, if it would only 
rain forty days and forty nights, it would suit my 
book exactly. Shall we resume our little discus- 



sion 



Mrs. Dacre. The divorce settles every discus- 
sion and all possibility of marital discussions, 
thank goodness. (Rising, goes to mantel) But 
pray name the one thing you v/ished to keep. 

Dacre. You still refuse to apologize? 

Mrs. Dacre. Decidedly, 

Dacre. Then I will leave you mistress of all you 
survey. (Telephone rings; he takes it up) Par- 
don me. Hello ! Yes. Why, is this you Dick ? 
(To Mrs. Dacre) Dick Stanley. Just back from 
London. 



14 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

]\Irs. Dacre. Tell him to give my love to the 
Avidow. (Tosses her neck chain to and fro, pet- 
tishly, stands watching Dacre) 

Dacre. (Telephoning) Yes, it's all over. You 
saw the papers. Why didn't I defend myself ? 
My dear boy, I wouldn't condescend — the whole 
thing v/as too beastly ridiculous. What ? Oh ! 
There wasn't any cause. (Listens) That's right, 
case of temper. No, there wasn't, either — Mrs. 
Dacre never was a flirt. No, there was no man in 
the case — What ! Say that again will you ? 
(Listens intently, evidently excited) 

Mrs. Dacre. If that man is telling you any 
scandal about me ! 

Dacre. Ssh ! (Listens, then sighs) Well, of 
course. I'm the last man in the world to know 
about my wife's lover. 

Mrs. Dacre. If he dares to say! 

Dacre. Ssh ! All right, I'll meet you at the 
Club at seven. Good-l3ye. (Rings off, lights 
cigar, looking at Mrs. Dacre zvlth sarcasm) 

Mrs. Dacre. (Going to him) I insist upon 
knowing what Dick Stanley said about me. 
(Makes business of tossing her chain, playing zvlth 
locket) 

Dacre. IMerely that the Club gossips said you 
were about to marry again. 

Mrs. Dacre. There is no reason why I should 
not. 

Dacre. If you are asked. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Listantly nettled) I suppose you 
think no one would wish to marry me after I'd 
been your wife for six years. 

Dacre. (Teasing her) On the contrary, I be- 
lieve that the careful work I bestowed on remaking 
your character, correcting your thoughts and form- 
ing your mind — added to your own natural charm 
— has made you irresistible. 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 15 

Mrs. Dacre. I wasn't quite a fool when I mar- 
ried you. 

Dacre. No? I thought that was the reason you 
married me— you said so. 

Mrs. Dacre. The woman who loves is a fool 
to that extent. But I am cured now. 

Dacre. By that universal panacea — another 
man ! Ah, you blush. Stanley is right. 

Mrs. Dacre. ( Agitated) No, no. (Clutches 
locket in her hand) 

Dacre. W'hat are you hiding that locket for? 
Is his idolized face in it? 

Mrs. Dacre. Nonsense ! It's empty. 

Dacre. (Rising) Let me see for myself. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Retreating, Jwlding locket be- 
hind her) No — oh, you're not my husband, now, 
remember. 

Dacre. (FoUozving) A very good reason for 
doing what I ask. 

Mrs. Dacre. Really, there's nothing to see. It's 
just a trifle I picked up in Chicago. 

Dacre. I don't care whether you picked him up 
in Chicago or here — a rival is no trifle. 

]Mrs. Dacre. Fiddle ! I meant the locket. 

Dacre. I mean the man in the locket. Ah, you 
look down — you are confused. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Mischievously) Oh, well ; if 
you have a widovv^ why shouldn't I console myself 
with a widower? 

Dacre. By Jove! A widower? I should think 
you'd prefer more romance and less experience. 

Mrs. Dacre. Careful ! You're a widower your- 
self now. 

Dacre. Not a bit of it. ]\Iy wife has taken 
leave of her senses, but she is still my wife. 

jMrs. Dacre. The law 

Dacr,e. (Impetuously) Hang the law! Ah 
Ethel, it is not too late 



i6 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

Katy. (Bursling in ivifJi tray) Here's your 
chicken. 

Dacre. Damn the chicken. 

Mrs. Dacre. Take it away, and next time you 
come in knock. 

Katy. Sure 

Dacre. Leave the room. (As Katy retires 
azve-struck) Jove ! I don't see how we endured 
that woman for six years. 

Mrs. Dacre. She was our first maid and one 
grows attached to a first anything-. 

Dacre. Except a first husband. 

Mrs. Dacre. Or a first wife. Please to remem- 
ber that I was a happy woman when that odious 
letter destroyed my home. Ah, well, marriage is 
a delusion. 

Dacre. There's nothing the matter with mar- 
riage. Just remember hovv^ serene v/e were when 
there was only one mind in this household. 
• Mrs. Dacre. And that mind yours. I never 
really thought an independent thought, until I 
started for Sioux City. It was always you, you, 
you. 

Dacre. Oh, no, it wasn't. You were a changed 
w^oman from the day you became President of the 
Dry Weather Club and learned to argue. 

Mrs. Dacre. I never argued with you. 

Dacre. You were never home long enough^ 
honey. 

Mrs. Dacre. Don't call me honey. 

Dacre. All right, honey. 

Mrs. Dacre. There you go again. (Tosses her 
chain out angrily. It strikes manel, locket falls 
off; she hastily stoops to get it) 

Dacre. (Going to assist her) You've lost your 
locket. 

Mrs. Dacre. (Covering it zuitJi her foot) It 
rolled under that chair over there, under the left 
lesr. 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 17 

Dacre. {Pointing) I saw it go under the right 
foot. {SJic shakes her head obstinately) My dear 
girl, I saw you step on it. You must be desperately 
afraid I'll find out your little secret. {Returns to 
table) 

jMrs. Dacbe. I have a right to marry again. 

Dacre. I don't see it. Look here. Let's strike 
a bargain. Show me the picture of the donkey you 
love and I'll tell you the truth about the widow. 

Mrs. Dacre. I do believe you are jealous— jeal- 
ous. Ha, ha ! The widow must be an idiot if she 
can't hold on to your heart after wrecking your 
home to get it. 

Dacre. Hang the widow ! I have never said 
that I had ceased to love you. 

Mrs. Dacre. Indeed ! How many women can 
a man love at once. 

Dacre. {Promptly) Two without crowding, 
and three at a pinch. 

Mrs. Dacre. You ought to be a Mormon. 

Dacre. Oh, there's only one wife in the world 
for me. Aren't you tired of standing ? 

Mrs. Dacre. Not at all ; it rests me. 

Dacre. {As telephone rings) I'll get her off 
of that if I have to blow the house up. {Speaking 
in telephone) Hello! Yes, yes. The deuce! 
Wait a moment and I'll ask her. {To Mrs. Dacre 
in perfect matter-of-fact tone) Will you consider 
an oft'er to go into vaudeville at $1000 a week? 

Mrs. Dacre. {Astounded) What! 

Dacre. Will you consider an offer to go into 
vaudeville at $1000 a week? 

Mrs. Dacre. What for? 

Dacre. For $1000 a week, I presume. 

Mrs. Dacre. Don't be silly. They must mean 
someone else. 

Dacre. {Speaking in 'ph.one) j\Irs. Dacre 
doesn't seem to understand your proposition ; she 
is not an actress, you know. " That wouldn't make 



i8 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

any difference. She'd draw on her notoriety." 
(Listens) "Oh, you think so," do you? Con- 
found your impudence. I'll drop in and punch 
your head if you say anything like that again. 

Mrs. Dacre. What did he say, Bob — Mr. 
Dacre ? 

Dacre. Never mind. (To 'phone') Yes, I will 
— I'm a — a connection by marriage to Mrs. Dacre 
and qualified to speak and act for her. Oh, you go 
to the devil. (Rings off, rises, sticks hands in his 
pockets, paces up and dozvn moodily) 

Mrs. Dacre. What did he say? 

Dacre. The usual infernal impudence bestowed 
on women in your position. You'll have to get 
used to that. 

Mrs. Dacre. Well, I don't care. Any woman 
of spirit would have done the same in my place. 

Dacre. (Sitting by table) Come over here and 
I'll tell you about the one thing I want to take with 
me. 

AIrs. Dacre. I can hear over here. 

Dacre. Well, I'll give you three guesses. 

Mrs. Dacre. Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral 

Dacre. It has a good deal of mule in it, salt, 
iron, er — oh — I guess it's a little of all. 

Mrs. Dacre. All? Then it's an article of bric- 
a-brac, eh? 

Dacre. It is highly ornamental and deucedly 
amusing. 

Mrs. Dacre. It's the pianola. 

Dacre. Not a bit like it. 

Mrs. Dacre. What shape is it? 

Dacre. Oblong. 

Mrs. Dacre. Did it belong to you or to me? 

Dacre. It was a wedding present to me. 

Mrs. Dacre. Who gave it to you? 

Dacre. Your good old father. 

Mrs. Dacre. Good gracious ! You don't mean 
me? 



A DAKOTA WIDOW. 19 

Dacre. You bet I do. 

jMrs. Dacre. Then where does the widow come 
in ? 

Dacre. Show me that idiot's picture and I'll 
tell you. 

Mrs. Dacre. Yoti've not explained the widow 
yet. 

Dacre. {Holding out his liond) Who is he? 

Mrs. Dacre. Who is she-' 

Dacre. Well — (Breaks off 7^'illi exclamation 
points to the opposite side of the room) By Jove! 
We need a cat! {Running after an imaginary 
■mouse) There he goes! Ah! {Turns, rushes at 
Mrs. Dacre excitedly) Look out for your feet! 

Mrs. Dacre. {Leaping on a chair) A mouse! 

Dacre. {Seizing the locket) A trap. Ha, ha! 

Mrs. Dacre. {Jumping down) You wretch! 
(Grabs his hand and the locket ivith both hands 
they struggle — Telephone rings — several times) 

j\Irs. Dacre. Yovi must answer! 

Dacre. We are one now ! (Drags her to table 
takes off receiver and lifts 'phone zvith his right 
hand) Hello! (Listen — fo IMrs. Dacre) It's the 
widow herself ! 

Mrs. Dacre. Is that creature on the other end 
of the wire. 

Dacre. Yes. (To 'phone) Repeat that slowly, 
please. (Holds 'plione to Mrs. Dacre's ear) 

(Mrs. Dacre listens gravely pii.'^cled, then expres- 
sion of rapture, as she turns to Dacre.) 

Mrs. Dacre. Oh ! " Think we had better sell 
out ' the little Widow ' to Syndicate. We'll never 
have a better offer." Bob Dacre! Don't tell me 
I've been jerdous of a coal mine. 

Dacre. That's right. (/Is she releases his 
hand) Now, may I see the donkey you love? 

Mrs. Dacre. You won't call him a donkey now. 



20 A DAKOTA WIDOW. 

Dacre. {Opening lockcl) Me! Then why the 
deuce, divorce ! 

Dacre. Temper 

{There is a land explosion of gas stove blozving 
lip, tin pans falling, and a scream. They hoih 
spring to their feet, door c. opens, Katy 
rashes in, her face and apron blacked, hair dis- 
ordered. ) 

Katy. The stove blowed up on me ! and the 
dinners blew into the air shaft, and I'm kilt! 

Mrs. Dacre. Oh, no, you're not. This is the 
ninth time you've been blown up. 

Katy. {Reviving) There'll be no dinner. 

Dacre. {Putting on mackintosh) Hang din- 
ner. We're going to be married again to-night — 
dine at a hotel and sail for London to-morrow. 
Eh, Ethel? 

Mrs. Dacre. {Putting on Iter Jiat) Yes, Bob. 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

015 907 402 A 



